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baldwinta 73M
41 posts
2/23/2007 4:52 am

Last Read:
7/13/2007 7:31 am

Long Overdue Update

I haven't blogged in quite a while. Oh, I have lots floating around that I want to share, but I am afraid it will come pouring out in a stream of consciousness style (and Vriginia Wolff I'm not!) So lets see if I can do this semi-organized.

First, I started blogging a little over a year ago. My re-awakening continues and is a wondrous thing. After 23 yrs of being faithful and straight, I broke down and did what i wanted and got a man.
And that man - half my age - continues in my life. We were hot and heavy, he broke it up 'cause he was seeing a girl, he kept meeting me and now he has me and not the girl! He continues his protestations of being str8, and that's ok since he is now a better lover than he was a year ago! But better than that - we are becoming good friends who IM and call each other. And it is this friendship which makes the sex better than ever!

Ok men - I know there are the moralists out there who are ready (no - they hav already) to condemn me. So this brings me to

Second - I am an adulterer now. I feel no guilt. But I accept it. I do not try to say that it's not cheating because I'm doing it with a man. Yes, I have old my wife that IF I have sex with a man it is only dirty, rutting sex without emotion. And usually it is. But the emotions ae there. So I lied!
And unfortunately, some of the things that drove me back to men still exist.
Granted, since I renewed my m2m activities, the marital sex life improved 1,000%. I feel it is because I am now more the man she fell in love with than I have been over the years. Yes - I was sexually active with men before we married, and the table of gay friends at our wedding was a group almost entirely of sexual partners. She had to know!
But a bigger part is that because of her business, she still leaves massive amounts of time when I am alone - and she devotes her waking time to a business I hate and sucks $$ out of the household. Not a dream. And she manages to alienate friends - the friends we have as a married couple. She wants 'our' time to be she and me, but I need more. And now she is going back into her funk, and is talking less but demanding I be there all the time.
I love my wife, but as she ages, she is becoming a much more confusing person who isn't as willing to share.
This obviously is a continuing saga that remains to develop.And grow. Resolve? Maybe.

Third - my sexual habits have changed, grown, and become consuming.I have enjoyed many men in the past 13 months. They have ranged from 27 to 62, and all had semi-positive aspects.Even if it was just a learning experience.
The end result? I have confirmed that I like cock. I like it in my hand. In my mouth. In my ass (if it's the right man). And I am indeed a borderline slut.
I enjoy going to the porn shop with the theater where you can enjoy your fellow patrons to the extent that all parties agree to. Yes - I have fucked men there, tho' never been fucked in the theater (that would have to be someone I knew). Annonymous sex? Yes! There is a time and a place for it, and, for me, it is good.
And since I'm at the porn shop, of course I hav e acquired toys. Love my toys, and not going into that here! But they are fun!

Now comes the hard part. The emotions. The desire for someone special and the desire to just enjoy. I crave the emotional involvement, but I fear it. I fear it because I don't want to fall in love with someone else. But I want it. I want that closeness, that more than friendship situation where you can be open and honest. And wake up next to him once in a while.
My young friend? Don't think that would happen. But I know other men, men I could love because of their maturity, their intelligence, their wit. They are good men. And they are available since they are divorced.
So I sit on the horns of a dilemma. And I sit on a horn every chance I get.

Very major positive since I began my re-awakening? I have found a community of men, good men, thoughtful and generally supportive. Yes - you my fellow OP members are that community. And because of the support I can deal with the nay-sayers who curse and condemm me. One fellow member went as far as to tell me I was going to hell. Oh well! I think I'll meet all my friends there!

So thank you all for listening, reading and being you. Because I'm loving me!

Stay well - stay safe - stay hard!

tosker 92M
837 posts
2/23/2007 7:36 am

Baldwinta, I've been there, done that, have the wife that is so jealously possessive that she has driven away nearly all friends and at one stage our daughter.She has not changed and still thinks ALL time should be OUR time, although I insist and manage to have a regular night out with my best(and probably only) real friend left. I also go to the gay sauna once a week. At the end of the day, as sex diminishes, companionship becomes the more important,just having someone around to stem the loneliness and the fear of being taken ill alone.You know their ways and they know yours.A comfortable co-existence but in the cold analysis, love has disappeared somewhere en route.

"Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. "Ralph Waldo Emerson,

Ieatu2007 71M

2/23/2007 2:19 pm

You are so right!!